Equilibratory Downfall

What are you getting yourself into?
I'm a complex inside of a complex.
It would be easy enough to blame my current state on my up bringing. I could get into how after my dad would molest my sister she'd tie me up and gag me. Or how after my parents divorced I was ignored unless I was sick or hurt. How that became the way I learned to get attention. But I'd never be able to botch together enough memories of my childhood to drone on about it. I dont want your sympathy anyway.
I just want you to know what youre heading for. And I mean "you" in a broad term. Wether you be a family member trying to get closer, a friend, or a lover.

Lets start off on a medical note. I have five autoimmune diseases. These dont bother me a whole lot, but each of them lowers my immunities to germs. lawlz.
Dont be surprised when I catch whatevers going around, and it affects me more than you.

I'm not really sure how many mental disorders I have. Gender dysphoria is considered one at the moment, but research is showing that its something that happens with hormones while the fetus is developing.

I have clinical depression. To sum that up I dont need a reason to be upset.
"Whats wrong? I dont have enough serotonin in my brain, thats whats wrong."
Add some large stressors in my life, and that gives you a Suicidal Sebastian. (Drink it up, enjoy.)

Generalized anxiety disorder. Sometimes I stay up all night worrying about nothing. My worries become irrational. IE: "If I dont find that fly i saw earlier, I'll fall asleep and it'll crawl into my ear and lay eggs. I dont want maggots eating away at my brain."

Social anxiety. IE: "She gave me a weird look. Well, I do look kind of gross today. I hope she doesnt hate me. She probably hates me. Fuck, what did I do? I should just go hide under my bed now."

Post traumatic stress syndrom (aka: Shell shock) It was first known as shell shock from vietnam vets. When something traumatic happens your brain goes into this "Near death" mode. Youre dissociated from yourself. Lots of times people cant remember what happened to them untill later. I get flashbacks. I get night terrors. I get intrusive thoughts. I cant sleep. I get panic attacks (Not like I didnt from anxiety before). I become avoidant and dissociative.

Okay. Joy. We're done with that.

Now, my general personality.
I have major trust issues. Everyone I thought I could trust has decieved me in some way. Im not sure how many more times I can get stabbed in the back before my spirits broken.
I'm reckless. What do those pills do? Oh, give me some.
I just made 70 dollars? Okay, im gonna go spend it on cigarettes and other frivolous things that will be gone tomorrow. (Dont worry, I'll be pissed at myself while im doing it)
I'll try anything twice. No, really. I will.
I love you, but I hate it. If I get too close to someone I feel like I dont have a proper grasp on things. I'm letting my gaurds down, and setting myself up to get hurt. Dont be surprised If I push you away. Subconciously or on purpose.
Hurt me. I deserve it. When did this start? Was it as a kid, when my dying cat scratched me and I was happy he did? I'm masochistic. I'm fucked up. I like to be hurt by other people. I savor the pain. It. Gets. Me. Off. Why do I self harm? Sometimes for that reason, but rarely. Usually I'm so numb and out of it that its the only way to bring me back to solid ground.
Mind you. Never choke me. I'll fucking kill you.
I hate the way I look.I'm beautiful? Thank you, but its not changing my opinion. I dont think im hideous or anything but Its hard to love the way you look when you're stuck in the wrong body. Get me a plastic surgeon and some syringes full of testosterone if you want me to feel beautiful.


I'm sure theres more I'll think of later. This is all for now. And If I didnt scare you off, theres pleanty of good aspects about myself I didnt bother to mention here.

Fallin all over myself
To lick your heart and taste your health

Its amazing how fastly one can become sick with themselves.
Two weeks ago today I was admitted into a mental hospital for attempted suicide. I was marked as a high risk suicide aswell. The whole ordeal amused me in a way at first. You see, I wasnt actually planning to kill myself the night before. I was just practicing. Which for whatever reason no one seems to understand. Upon a friend hearing this she told me it was typical, as I'm an over exceeder.
Quiet honestly, I was confident that digging about in my wrist for my my artery, taking 30mgs of valium, and a half bottle of NyQuill wouldnt do much damage. Looking back, prehaps if I had found my atery I would have been in more trouble but I stopped when the feeling went away. An odd thought had been playing in my head since the moment I did it. I understand basic human anatomy, but what if mines different? I had an extreme urge to disect myself. If only just for assurance that nothing was out of the usual.
In my rather drug induced state my mom saw my wrist when I had passed out and questioned me about it. I was in no position to lie. The next day I talked to my counsler alone. He called over to the local ER (My mom works at that hospital. Does that qualify as irony?) and instructed my mom and myself to pack up a bag of clothes and admit myself.
I've had lots of experiance when it comes to emergancy rooms and knew I'd be there for awhile so we stopped for lunch first. I remember it in a dream like way. Everything seemed sepia tinted, and the brick paths leading there reminded me of some sort of video game.
My wrist had a few bandaids on it, and my shirt some blood stains. I wonder if our waiter noticed, and if he did what he thought. I wonder if I saw him again, would we recognize eachother?
My brain has become fairly good at dissociating itself, and I must have been missing from my body for a few days before it happened. Friends and family had mentioned a few of my actions, or words which I dont remember much at all.
The night before I was admitted into the mental hospital was fun from what I can comprehend. The valium hadnt worn off, and I got high with a friend before going to a concert. I never dance. But I did, and it was enjoyable.
The actual mental hospital was nothing short of a dull camp. Think "Girl Interrupted" on sedatives. Art therapy, gym, group meetings, one on one therapy, free time, pills, food. I must have gained atleast five pounds there, and I was only there for about a week. They made us eat way too much, and I had forgotten I'm mildly allergic to milk products. With the large quanity I was consuming I felt like my stomach was going to implode in a mess of vomit and diarreah, slowly working its way to my heart.
Everyone says that suicidal people dont really want to die, that theyre scared of death. But I was content with the idea, which was why I was labeled as a high risk.
Im still not afraid of death, I think the only reason I'm not offing myself now is because I hadnt realized how many people it would hurt. And besides, its not uncommon for one suicide to set off a chain reaction. If there is some sort of afterlife, I wouldnt want to deal with that.
I'm still an enigma, I still over-analyze myself and everything else around me. I dont think I'll change much. I was just pushed too far, I suppose.
Now, if I stay clean and keep bussy I hope to continue to lead a somewhat stable life.
Thats all for now.

I want to chain smoke, i want to cut myself. I want.
I, me, myself.
I myself worry about the future, about where its leading, about the point to it all.
My girlfriend is a wonderful person. She's smart, she's gorgeous, she makes me feel good about myself, and makes others feel good about themselves. She's going places.
But she just cant see this in herself. She cant comprehend that she's perfect the way she is, that a lot of people care about her and wish she would care about herself.
I had been suspicious of an ED in her for the past couple years. I guess it started when she lost 15-30 pounds over a summer.
After that, she was average weight. She looked good before, and still did. But by all means it was cause for some concern.
I think I mentioned in my first post that we used to date a few years back, and now we're together again.
We've grown up together, she's been there for me when I needed her and I do my best to be there for her. She just doesnt want help.
I can see her loosing weight now. Theres a big difference from even a month ago. She just cant see it!
I havnt seen her eat more than a cookie in over a year, that was a dead give away. I inquired about it, and she does indeed have an ED. She has a phobia about vomiting, otherwise I wouldnt doubt she'd be bulimic.
I've looked into EDs, I was tettering on the edge of bulimia in the past. I've had to deal with binge eating. Way more so say a year or half a year ago than now.
I can somewhat comprehend how hard it is, but I feel so helpless. I want to help her, I want to fix her, i want to make everything better but I know that I cant.
I feel selfish for not wanting to deal with this at this point in my life. Right when things were getting better.
As far as Im aware she doesnt know of my live journal, but we both have "Myspace" accounts. She hides her groups, i know how to get to them anyway. She scrolled past them quickly before, told me she wasnt in any "Pro-Ana" groups. That she wants help. The majority of her groups are indeed pro. She wants to lose I think it was 10 pounds by the 25th. The other day was the first she ate in either two or three days.
I dont know what to do!
Along with the selfishness, i think maybe i should break up with her. This is gonna rip me apart, im going to take it out on her, and only make matters worse.
Then i worry that by doing that it would only make matters worse for her. I mean, christ. She's my best friend, I couldnt see our relationship being drastically different even if I broke it off.
If i were to tell her she looks skinny, that would be taken as a compliment. "Good, I should lose more weight". If i were to tell her she's looking healthier that would be taken as an insult "Shit, i need to lose more weight". Should I not mention anything at all? Its not one of those things you can just ignore.
She's literally just waiting to get bad enough till she winds up in the hospital. It'll some how be easier that way? I know you cant get through to people like that, well. I couldnt at least. Im not a counsler, im just her boyfriend.
Im not religious, even if i was studies have shown that praying doesnt help.
Shit, I dont know. My problems seem minor compared to this. My sleeping is rather...lacking, and i'm worried about running into my rapist. I talked to my therapist about the event for the first time, and its been on my mind. I'm afraid to be intimate, and I dont get turned on by people. There. Thats it.
All I really want is for her to love herself, and be happy.

It always bothers me when my friends parents dont like me.
Seriously.
Ughh.
Words. Fuck.
I cant even put this into words.
Its bad enough being judged but, I just. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck it all.

This is my first journal entery.
I used to have an account here, two years back or so.
Its always amusing to look back at your older enteries and see how much you've grown.
At the same time I hate it. I hate the fact that such trivial problems seemed horrendous at the time. Whereas now I would pay for people to hate me for loosing my virginity to someone I didnt care about, or that the reason I was most upset is because my girlfriend ditched me.
Big fucking deal.
Now Im just sounding bitchy. Haha.
Life isnt all bad though. I've actually been feeling more optimistic about my future lately. Which is wonderful, this past year has been insane.
Really, completely insane.
Being abused, and raped. The house catching on fire, comming out of the closet as a transexual, my father confessing how much he's embaressed of me, mono... Chain reactions from all of that shit. You know what I mean. If not, its near impossible to explain.
Speaking of embarassment, im failing the school year for the second time. Im too old for this. Im not looking for sympathy, but really. It cant be that hard to see how I'm failing. Its so hard to concentrate on writting poetry when I'm always just on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I had a job breifly at a pizzeria.
Get this. 100+ temperature, no sitting down, no talking to your coworkers (we did anyway, so it wasnt too bad), no music, no using the phone, ect. I dont think it would have been nearly as bad If I could have just sat down when we didnt have anything to do anyways. Working 8 hours, they wanted me to work 6 days a week. Obviously, I said fuck that shit.
Not to mention, for fear of being fired due to my gender identity I had to pretend to be a girl all over again. Apparently I make an attractive girl, I sometimes miss that. Not the girl part. Just..I dont know. Being seen as an object, not a person. However fucking bizare that is. I dont miss 30+ year olds hitting on me however. Im almost getting off subject, some guy there thought I was hot shit. The owner is a 72 year old frail looking nasty as fuck italian man. If you fuck up a pizza more than a couple times he throws pans at you. Too much stress to deal with.
I do however still do elderly care for three people. Theyre all sweet, in a sad way. Dementia, mostly.
Except for now that the womans children are back from college for the summer I dont have much of a job at all. Its like babysitting, kind of.
The girlfriend mentioned earlier I dated three years back. We were broken up during the time that she ditched me. Hah, but now we're back together. I really like to broaden my horizons, eh?
She's wonderful though. She's played a vital part in my mental health over the years. We've been close friends since elementary years.
Well, closer now than ever.
Aside from my life story, rather uninteresting facts about me are as followed.
Age: 17
Gender: Male (F2M trans)
Location: USA, ohio
Status: Taken
Height: 5"6
Eyes: Blue
Skin: Fair
Body type: Average
Likes: Books, music, people.
Dislikes: Loss of control, illness, people.

This entry leaves alot of room to get into things mentioned. Which I plan on doing.
Feel free to contact me, or whatever. Im pretty easy to get along with.